The day I wanted to die…

Truthfully, there are many days that I have begged God to take me after my daughter's death, but there was a day about a year ago when I was in such pain, not physically but mentally. Losing a baby does something to you. There's this emptiness; there's this deep void you feel. You feel numb all over; it's mentally draining, and you feel like you have died inside. That day, I was in agony; I felt no hope. I had convinced myself that God no longer loved me, He hated me, He no longer cared about me. That's the only explanation I could come up with. Why would he take my baby girl away from me? That day, I was in such distrought my heart felt like it burst into a million pieces. I walked into Isabella's room and collapsed on her floor in tears. I think I laid there for an hour or so and wept and screamed. God, why? Why? Why do you hate me? I felt so alone and unloved at that moment. I screamed out to the top of my lungs God, I can't stand this pain I'm going through. Please, God, take me!! Please, I want to die!!

I remember I got off the floor in anger, walked into my office, picked up a vase I had sitting in there, smashed it against the wall, and then began to pick up everything and anything and shatter them out of anger. Then I slumped to the floor, and I began to scream and cry again. Sitting in a pile of glass, I picked up some glass in my hand and began to squeeze it in my hand. The glass started to cut my fingers, and then the thought entered my mind of harming myself. I wanted to die; there was no purpose for my life any longer. I looked at the sharp, broken glass in my hand and was about to take it and jab it into my arm.

Then, out of nowhere, the phone started to ring. I wanted to ignore it; I was such a mess.

I looked down to see who it was, and to my dismay, it was someone I hadn't talked to in years. It was a little 80-year-old lady that I used to go to church with in Jacksonville, Florida. I didn't want to answer it, but something prompted me to, so I picked up the phone and choked out, "Hello." She said, "Tracy, I was just reading in my Bible, and I'm praying for you right now, and I was reading "2 Thessalonians‬ ‭3‬:‭3, But the Lord is faithful, who shall stablish you, and keep you from evil." I feel that verse is for you right now. The Lord will keep you from the evil one, and she said Tracy, you're not forgotten. I love you; God loves, and I'm praying for you. Just know that." And that was the end of the conversation. I sat there in shock and awe of what just happened.

“Wow, God, you do care and love Me." I've heard of others where a phone call or a knock at the door has saved them, but I didn't think it would ever have to happen to me. I have never thought of hurting myself before until that day.

I just wanted the pain to stop. After the phone call, I picked myself off the floor, cleaned myself up, cleaned the glass off the floor, and thanked God for sending me a much-needed word. Sometimes, you never know who God will lay on your heart. I'm thankful God laid me on that sweet, precious little lady's heart that day. That's why I think it's crucial that when God places someone on your heart, you should pray for them immediately because you never know what that person may be going through. I'm unsure where I would be today if God had not, but I don't want to imagine it. Like the song says, where would I be if it had not been for Jesus? I still have my everyday battles, and I must constantly remind myself of that Bible verse and get the negative thoughts out of my head because they still like to creep up on me. I don't know why God didn't heal my daughter, and I don't understand why he allowed what happened to happen to my sweet girl. I may never know on this side of heaven, but I know one thing: there's a sweet baby girl I can't wait to see again in heaven who is waiting for her mommy and cheering her on to complete the race set before her.

God continues to mend my broken heart, and I'm finding a purpose again.

Oh, the story I will tell…